Everything is Awful

Things are incredibly horrible right now, so my blog will be going on a small hiatus until the situation in Caitland is slightly less perturbed.

XOXO

Happy Easter, otherwise Happy Sunday

Nothing too exciting has been happening in Caitland as of late. I’ve recently been hired to teach some college courses (Hooray! and also, finally!) so all I’ve really been doing is going through training for one of the schools and building the syllabus and course outline for the other school I’ll be teaching at in the fall. It’s actually really awesome.

For all the times I sat in school, college, and grad school saying “Ugh. This is sooooo stupid. I hate school,”  it’s kind of hilarious that I now will be teaching. But since it’s a holiday weekend, I figured it would probably be a good idea to take a little time off of researching and writing assignments and celebrate some Easter.

Clearly, I am extremely religious (Ha.) so I spent most of my weekend shopping away my paycheck. Well, not literally, since most stores love to have Good Friday and Easter sales. I’m kind of surprised retailers haven’t started taking advantage of non-Christian holidays yet as an excuse to have “sales” and bring in the crowds.

Anyway.

Instead of going out to celebrate the end of Lent, I stayed in and had a little tiki party and drank pain killers. I should probably tell you that I don’t mean I swallowed a handfull of pills or poured a bottle of asprin in the blender…a painkiller is a type of drink and it’s totally delicious.

yum yum

It was kind of difficult finding a movie that fit the tiki theme, so we watched that newest Pirates of the Caribbean movie…it was awful. Like, really, really, awful. No matter how much I love Johnny Depp, Jack Sparrow isn’t the kind of character that can carry his own movie. I challenge you to prove me wrong. Also, the mermaids sound like dinosaurs. It was weird.

But as a reward for being so awesome, the Easter bunny brought me a little gift over night.

Peeps and Unicorns. Best day ever.

So whether or not you celebrate Easter, it’s a gorgeous day-at least here, in Chicago, so I hope you all were able to eat some good food, have lots of candy, and do something outside.

Happy Easter, Happy Sunday, or as everyone on my facebook has been saying, Happy Zombie Jesus Day.

And if you know of a movie that is tiki themed…tell me what it is! Anything but “The Ruins”, that movie was awful and also the name sounds like “the runs” and I don’t want to think about diarrhea when I’m sipping fruity, Polynesian drinks.

<3 XOXO

Caitland: Natto Super Star.

If you know anything about me, you probably know that I’ve been very into Japanese culture for the majority of my life. I’ve spent over 2/3 of my existence studying the language & culture and also eating all of the food. No, I don’t mean my life is like SNL’s J Pop American Fun Time Now skit …well…. maybe a little…when I was 13 and discovered Sailor Moon…but that is neither here nor there.

One thing I was never able to get myself to try, though, was Natto; partially because, topped on rice, it looks like a sinus infection wrapped in a tissue. Gross.

For those of you who don’t know, Natto is fermented soybeans and is usually eaten on top of rice for breakfast. It’s incredibly healthy for you, and from what I was told on the internet is “Nasty”, “Disgusting”, “Foul”, “Horrifying”, “Makes your breath terrible”, and you get the idea. I’ve really only heard from one person, who lived in Japan, that she liked it and could tolerate eating it. That being said, she still told me I would probably gag and hate it.

It must be delicious!

This is the package Natto comes in. 3 small Styrofoam containers. Don't I look so enthusiastic to try?

So obviously I decided it would be a great idea to make myself step outside of the narrow little bubble that is the suburbs of Chicago and give it a try.

I’m pretty good at deflecting preconceived notions about things like this and, oddly enough, the sticky part that makes it look like it was coughed up really didn’t turn me off to the idea.

Based on the many negative descriptions I found, I was expecting it to smell like farts and taste like rotting flesh.

I can't handle the smell of farts, vomit, poops, or anything else that comes out of living things. It makes me want to die.

It really didn’t. The smell wasn’t that strong and I’m beginning to wonder if all the people reviewing it on the internet have actually ever tried it. Maybe they are just scared of new things or are extremely precious?

It comes with soy sauce and mustard. You stir the sauces into the Natto until it is frothy and bubbly.

I did, however, add a little extra soy sauce and some rice seasoning to mellow out the bitter taste.

Okay, a lot of rice seasoning...but I can't help it! It's soooooo goooooood!

Thank goodness it didn’t make me gag or throw up since they only sell it in packs of three. I think I’ll try and coerce my sister into trying one of my left over packets. My overall experience with Natto wasn’t bad. I didn’t love it, but I didn’t hate it either. It’s sort of like my feelings on pork: I don’t particularly enjoy it, but I’ll eat it if I have to or suddenly have a weird craving. I do feel like now that I have eaten Natto, I can probably eat anything.

Anything except balls…I don’t want that experience ever.

Caitland: Therapist at Large

I tend to get queried for advice on a regular basis. Usually it’s fashion advice or “am I acting crazy give me your opinion” sort of advice…mostly fashion advice, but since I’ve spent most of my working career in fashion-retail and I freelance from time to time as an image consultant I’m not really surprised.

But lately I’ve been getting questions about some really deep or serious issues about relationships and life in general, and while I know I have excellent common sense and analytical skills, I keep wondering why I’m the one who is being sought after for these kinds of problems. A lot of these things are outside my field of expertise and sometimes outside the realm of my own personal experiences. Maybe my projection is much more put together than in my head? Or maybe my logic is just that good? I guess you don’t need a background in psychology to understand people if you have a good understanding of culture & society and know how to relate to people.

Have you guys ever been asked advice on a situation you have no experience in to base your response on? Did you end up giving the advice, or did you pass?

Can Muscles Have Special Feelings Too?

I’ve been going to a local hookah bar forever at this point. I was a loyal follower, then worked there for 2 years, then used it as a study spot during college and grad school, and now that I’m done with school I still can’t stop going. On week days it is seriously the best place I’ve found to sit and read or dick around on my computer. Most of my friends throughout the past 8 years have been made through the joint and it’s open past 10…which unless you want Denny’s or White Castle, is hard to come by in the suburbs of Chicago.

Nothing really changed for about 6 years, then suddenly the kitchen was gone, the music was new, the staff was constantly changing…some of it was good and some of it was not so good…but what I cannot even put into words how much I love is that in the past few weeks, they’ve started bringing in a masseuse.

SHE IS AMAZING. The end.

I’ve never had a regular massage, unless you count physical therapy for sports related injury, but that is because most massage therapists aren’t that good. As you may know, I spent 13 years of my life (which is exactly ½ of my life so far) shooting competitive archery and let me tell you, archery on the competitive level is not some wussy, pansy sport made for leisure.

It is painful and requires a lot of physical strength training; back problems are the norm due to the high stress placed on the shoulders and back muscles. Even though I’ve retired in the past few years, I don’t remember what it’s like to not have knots the size of golf & tennis balls in my shoulders. Most massage therapists I’ve gone too have not had the training, or maybe they just didn’t have the gall, to dig in deep enough for me to even feel what they were doing.

Um, I requested hard…are you even touching me?

Best massage of my life. She can go hard enough that it makes my face squish up in horrible positions because I FEEL IT. And now I know why rich people get massages so often. 1, they can afford it and 2, it feels freakin’ fantastic. I think my mood has increased for the better by a million and I’m almost able to stand with good posture for long periods of time. Which is good because as I’ve said before, I’m not okay with looking like a Quasimodo with tits.

So basically I plan on spending every free Monday and Wednesday getting my massage on, pretending I’m some ritzy rich lady because my massage only costs 5 bucks for 10 minutes and that, I can afford.

Jealz? You should be.

But I want to know your thoughts on massage…have you gotten them regularly and if so, what benefits have you seen as a result (or maybe negatives too)? I’m curious since this is new to me and right now I’m just floating around in a mushy pile of muscles, happy that I’m not spending 50 or more dollars every time I have an ache or pain.

Random musings about my weekend.

This weekend was full of non-stop everything. I guess really just two birthday parties, but I felt incredibly rushed and incredibly stressed for most of the time. While I wasn’t rushing around trying to get everywhere on time I spent a lot of time feeling weird about life and trying to articulate certain feelings. That’s a new thing because normally I just shove feelings in a box and leave them there, but I’m trying something new. And while I was reflecting I realized a few things, so I’m going to share it with you:

• Knowing so many married/engaged people kind of freaks me out. I love going to weddings, especially with an open bar. I love getting dressed up, I love seeing other people happy, and I love special events…but I still have a difficult time finding things to talk about with people who are heading down that path, unless I’ve known them for years and we have an already sound friendship foundation. While I’m all for hearing about wedding details (I totally eat it up), I just haven’t had the switch go off in my biological making that makes me want to talk about property taxes, having kids (or just having kids BE there), or other typical suburban crap with anyone besides the sheet of paper where I list my future grown up goals.

• Even though I’m getting closer and closer to 30 each day, I couldn’t feel further behind in life. I’m extremely motivated to succeed and do good things, but sometimes the things that I view as worthwhile are considered weird or stupid when compared to mainstream ideals. Even a woman I barely know took one look at me and said “you’re a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.” That really does sum it up. It’s really difficult to force myself down one path with the looming fear that I’ll be completely miserable if I try to conform to what other people want, but it’s also difficult to follow what my intuition says and worry that I will disappoint 90% of the important people in my life. Maybe what I wanted 5 years ago isn’t what I want now, I’d still like it eventually, but maybe now isn’t the right time to pursue certain goals when there are more looming issues that need to be taken care of.

• There is something about walking out of Bloomingdales with a Big Brown Bag and a Medium Brown Bag in hand, knowing I spent less than $100, that makes me feel really awesome. Consider me shallow, I don’t care. I like nice things. I also like sales. The Bloomingdales home store at Oakbrook is going out of business. I never thought I’d see the day such a prominent department store would close its doors in such a snooty area. The entire store is 50-60% off, which doesn’t mean cheap by any means, but is still a really awesome deal. I got a mattress cushion for my stupid futon bed, 2 orange, short glasses, and a really nice set of pillow cases for less than a hundred bucks. Score.

• I don’t want to stay out until 3am anymore. I just can’t do it. Even if I don’t have to work on a certain day, sleeping in late is usually not past 9am for me. Mostly I wake up earlier than that. I just don’t want to be awake for 18 hours because then I won’t sleep any later, I’ll still wake up between 8 and 9 and then I’ll be cranky and tired. I like hanging out and “living a little” but at normal hours.

So do you guys think these are pretty normal thoughts for a mid 20-something lady to be having?

The best search terms for my blog

Every now and then I check up on my blog stats to see how many of you are still reading, and if you have a WP blog, you know there is that part where you can see what search terms were used to find your blog…Well, some of the terms people have used to find my blog in the search engines are just so absurd and bizarre that I had to share them with you!

So here you are, the ten weirdest search terms for my blog:

10. small dick

9. ghost gum

8. caitland the drummer girl

7. office jerk eraser snack

6. hearts flying from my head

 5. what to do when your boyfriend is stupid

4. motivational gym posters

3. demotivational posters of cleavage

2. gross teens

1. ghost herpes

And I know I said top ten, but this one was not something I could keep out.

BEHOLD, THE WEIRDEST TERM TO FIND ME:

Real Pictures of Unicorns Killing People

Really? Okay, whatever floats your boat, freak…Not gonna lie, I don’t really think any of these are good ways to find me on the internet….. Oddly enough, some of these have shown up multiple times…

For those of you bloggers, what is the strangest thing that has ever been searched to find your blog? Mine is obviously about real unicorns killing people. Let me know in the comments.

Celebrity crushes, be mine

I have a really amazing, non-imaginary boyfriend; he’s so great and I love him a lot, but that doesn’t stop famous dudes from being hot.

Here are my top five celebrity valentines:

5. So he got busted for picking up a hooker once, you can’t stay mad at a pretty face!

4. If prostitution doesn’t bother me, then clearly drug problems won’t either.

3. This is a two-for because I secretly love anytime two hot dudes are combined into one, even hotter dude. Both get gold stars.

2. Never say the chubby, nerdy ones won’t grow up to be smokin’ hot babes.

1. BE MINE FOREVER.

Happy Valentine’s Day! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

What to do for Valentine’s Day that isn’t stupid or lame

I’ve never been the kind of girl that really cared about a hallmark holiday, yes: I am the cliché that thinks you shouldn’t wait for one day of the year to let your Other know how much you care. I am also the cliché that has spent 99% of her February 14^ths either single or getting dumped. Parks and Rec may have coined the term, but Galentine’s Day is a thing and there is nothing wrong with that. If you’re single, work it, and if you’re not single, then I hope your Other isn’t a douchey lame-wad.

There are still a couple days left to finish getting everything ready and if you haven’t got a clue as to what to get your Other as a gift, I’ve got a few ideas that might help you out. I’m no expert, but I do know what I like and that’s really all that matters, right? I kid, but really, after talking to quite a few people who all have very different views on this holiday, I’ve got a pretty sharp idea of what’s good and what’s not worth the effort.

As much as I love gifts, nothing is worse than a corny teddy bear or overly mushy, huge production for something as mass produced as Valentine’s Day. Save that for something that matters, like an anniversary or milestone date. I did a little poll amongst the guys in my life and the general consensus is that, if you have to celebrate, the idea Valentine’s Day date is takeout and a silly 80’s movie-think along the lines of Back to the Future, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, or Weird Science.

There's also this. I never thought I'd see the words "Reservations required" and "White Castle" associated with eachother

Ladies, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that you don’t need to break the bank on a fancy hotel room or spend a day slaving over a hot stove to make your boyfriend or man date happy. Unless he is a total pill, guys generally like action figures, legos, sports stuff, and music; it doesn’t really matter how old he is, boys like things they can play with. Get him something silly and pair it with something special if you need to make it sentimental.

Guys, if you’re girlfriend is the kind of girl that requires diamonds and jewels and dinner at the Signature Room every year, dump her. You can do way better. If she isn’t that kind of girl, she’s probably awesome and wants to know you think she is awesome too. Girls don’t like getting the same thing as other girls, so if you get her a CVS teddy bear that says “I love you” on the front, she will probably be a little extremely disappointed.

Stuffed animals for adult women are only cute when they are unique and goofy, so stay away from your local drug or toy store. Think bigger. Get her something she isn’t expecting. Instead of jewelry and a box of chocolates, get her a crazy candy necklace. Instead of a dozen red roses, get her favorite flowers. Although, some girls would be happy if you just watched their favorite girl movie with them.

Oh, and while I’m thinking of it, anything with a voice recording of you saying mushy things over and over isn’t cute. It’s creepy, especially when the battery starts to die and it goes from a normal” I love you! I love you!” to “I loooooooooooove yo” in a tone that can only be described as a murderous robot short circuiting and melting in a fire.

Now, if you are above the legal age, you’re probably expecting some Ooh la la, sexy time at the end of the night, or possibly in the beginning and middle of the night too. According to a very pushy Victoria’s Secret sales lady, garter belts, stockings, and the whole burlesque thing is all the rage right now as the newest trend.

Really?

New trend?

I’d like to know when it was ever out of style. Telling lies only helps you make a sale when your customer is an idiot.

ANYWAY, My personal opinion on the matter is that, lingerie aside, the sexiest naughty time accessory is birth control. And pulling out doesn’t count as birth control, people; unless you’re dating Rick Santorum, no one thinks an accidental baby or a venereal disease is the perfect thing for that special someone. Your gift isn’t the only thing that should be wrapped.

So what do you think? Am I dead on? Way off? Tell me what you think. I’m sure you’ve also all had your share of Valentine’s horror stories, I think my worst was probably getting dumped over a Valentine’s Day lunch and then getting stiffed with the bill, so let me have ‘em in the comments.

The worst kind of friend

Okay, so I’m about to ruin my street cred here. Don’t Judge, but I can no longer say I’ve never seen Twilight. In the past week I’ve seen the first two and I’m going to see the others as well. Since two of my best friends moved in at the end of my street a week or so ago, we’ve been having movie nights and Twilight has been the marathon pick.

Don’t get me wrong, I was never into the whole Team Hot Guy vs. Team Other Hot Guy thing. I’ve always been pretty indifferent to the whole thing, partly because I just didn’t get it. I didn’t even know the story was a set of books until the movies came out. I’ve never read them, but the movies are entertaining when you’re looking for something easy to watch. I’ll probably never read the books, which means my judgment is slightly skewed since I only have the movies to go off of, but I need to say this.

Girls: I know you want to be Bella. I can see the appeal. She’s skinny, she has clear skin, she’s decent looking from certain camera angles, and she has two insanely hot, shirtless dudes chasing after her because they are both head over heels in love with her. Some of you watch, dreaming of the day that you meet a guy, fall in love, and have your own fairy tale; some of you watch, wishing your own mate were as dedicated to you as Edward and Jacob are to Bella.

But here’s the thing, DON’T BE HER. Just don’t do it. She may be an excellent love partner because her love is so strong and she’ll do anything for her lover, but she is a terrible friend: The kind of girl who drops off the face of the earth once she has a new boyfriend. And once that boyfriend is gone, she comes crawling back as if nothing had ever happened.  In Bella’s case it was months after he was gone, but my point still stands.

Bella lucked out by having Jacob when Edward left her, but most girls don’t have a constant string of hot dudes waiting for every beck and call, begging the girl to stay and choose one over another. Even if you do have a boyfriend that loves you or a string of boys waiting for you, they don’t want to be with you 24/7. They have their own lives and they are not fictional men in a romance novel aimed at pubescent women.

But she loves him so much! Love conquers all! Blah, blah, blah.

It doesn’t matter. Bella became the most popular girl in her group of friends after one week of moving to a new town. They took her in with open arms and acted like they had known her their entire lives.

She deserted them for a boy.

You may think that you can’t live without your boyfriend; you’ll just die and never be the same without him. Break ups are a necessary learning experience; so technically, you will be a different person if he is no longer with you, but your life isn’t a movie. Real dudes don’t act like Edward, and the ones that do are usually the ones in prison for stalking and maiming their love interest (or anyone who gets close to their love interest) out of sheer obsession.

Friends in real life are not as quick to forget when you act like a jackass and repeatedly blow them off or treat them poorly over a boy. So when he leaves you, or you break up for whatever reason, and you’re sitting there wondering “How could he do this to me? He means so much to me and he’s just up and abandoning me!” keep in mind, your friends wondered the same thing when you up and left them without any warning.